Sometimes, Sora wakes in the middle of the night. It's never just to go to the bathroom or get a glass of water, either; no. His life hasn't been that simple since darkness came to the Destiny Islands, all that time ago.

When he wakes, now, he is assailed with a fierce longing that is not his own, and a throbbing, aching guilt that is all his but he doesn't know why. Usually he can withstand it, laying in his bed and staring at the ceiling, feeling like his world is falling apart around him; just gazing blankly at nothing until the feeling subsides and he sleeps again, exhausted.

But sometimes... sometimes he would wake up, and the feelings would be there, and they'd overwhelm him so badly that he'd turn and press his face into the pillow and sob his heart out until he cried himself to sleep.

A few weeks ago, he began to understand what it was. Sora has begun dreaming of Axel moments before he wakes up, but they aren't any memories that Sora has ever lived. Axel has never smiled at him like that. He's never had an argument with Axel over who ate the rest of the cookies from the kitchen of the Castle that Never Was.

He's never walked away from Axel as Axel all but begs him to stay.

"That's not true! I would..."

Sora knows whose memories these are. They are his, but they aren't. They are Roxas' memories, and they break Sora's heart, because when he wakes up now he knows why he longs so badly, and the guilt intensifies and he can't keep the tears at bay.

Because there is confusion now, too. Longing and confusion; a question.

Axel.

Where?

And Sora, in those endless hours of the night, tries to answer.

Axel... Axel is gone, he thinks, summoning images of Roxas as he does so. Trying to reach that half of him... that part of him that doesn't know.

But the hours get longer every night.

Where? Where?

The darkness presses all around him now, and he can't stand to sleep without a small light. At Sora's request, Riku has begun sleeping over, because Riku's presence helps ease some of the terrible guilt and longing.

At first.

But it's his own memory of Axel that precedes his waking tonight; Axel fading away, dissolving into nothing, and he wakes up screaming as feelings flood him; a year's worth of feelings, it seems, as if to make up for lost time and even though he stops screaming quickly he's reaching, twisting, looking for something (someone!) who isn't there (no no no nonononono) and Riku pins him down as he thrashes to keep Sora from hurting himself and Riku keeps saying "Sora, Sora, Sora!"

He stops, blankets tangled around him and his pajama pants twisted around his legs and his shirt feels like it's strangling him, and he's confused, and Riku's clutching his arms and he looks so anxious and Sora realizes who he is and that there are tears running down his face, and Riku lets Sora cling to him as the true sobbing starts, resting his head on Sora's shoulder and saying nothing because there's nothing to say.

Dead, Sora thinks desperately, his face pressed into Riku's neck. Axel is dead.

A wave of denial rises in him, threatening to drown him and he summons the memory of Axel's death and the denial turns into the need to scream, but he clamps down on it and he's shaking with the effort it takes and the guilt oh god the guilt—

"I wanted to see Roxas."

No. No. No no no nononononono—

Axel, he thinks, in a voice that isn't his. Axel.

And Sora clings to Riku because he has to, because Riku's solid and real and alive and his head is spinning and he's having trouble breathing through the tears and he'd almost stopped crying and Riku's arms tense around him.

"I'm sorry," Sora gasps. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Riku assures him, his voice rife with worry. He doesn't know that Sora isn't talking to him.

But he's the only one who hears.


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NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: (13/08/09) I really don't like this fic. I ended up putting it under private lock, but I had requests asking me where it had gone, so I've unlocked it again. I'd like to note that Roxas is not the one who is crying -- that's Sora, responding to Roxas' anger and disbelief and denial. As I said, I don't think this is particularly well-written, so I don't know if that got across very well.