TITLE: Twenty Things I Have Learned From Phoenix Wright
FANDOM: Ace Attorney
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 982
DISCLAIMER: All characters are © Capcom. No profit is being made from this work.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had to, okay? I totally had to. Don't look at me like that.
SUMMARY: Um, it's twenty things. That I have learned from Phoenix Wright.
FANDOM: Ace Attorney
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 982
DISCLAIMER: All characters are © Capcom. No profit is being made from this work.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had to, okay? I totally had to. Don't look at me like that.
SUMMARY: Um, it's twenty things. That I have learned from Phoenix Wright.
- Present everything to everyone. Always. Even if it's a blood-spattered shoe you stole from the crime scene. Whomever you show it to will either have lots of information to give you regarding the thing, or not recognize it at all, thus sparing you an awkward explanation of how you came to possess a recently-murdered man's shoe.
- When all else fails, OBJECT. TO EVERYTHING. If you stop to wonder if objecting might be a good idea, screw wondering and just do it. It's always a good idea.
- There is no such thing as a useless item. In fact, if someone specifically hands you something and says it's useless, it will eventually help in convicting a murderer. No exceptions.
- Along the same lines, every piece of evidence must be presented at least once. It doesn't matter if it's a broken cup stolen from your neighbour's garbage six weeks before the murder, it is connected to the case somehow. You will also have to prove this, so have fun with that.
- The real murderer never flees the country. Hell, they don't even try to hide. They will always testify in court, presumably for the sole purpose of giving you a sporting chance at convicting them.
- Even if it takes you five hours and a million resets to finally figure it out, you will always have exactly the evidence you need whenever the judge demands proof. Always. ...Except when you don't, and 'No, I don't have proof' was the correct answer. Surprise!
- You are the only one who can't get away with shenanigans in court. Everyone else is free to run the place however they please, up to and including employing physical assault when irritated.
- In the future, prosecutors are unanimously okay with the idea of sending a clearly innocent person to the execution chamber because of a single, shaky technicality despite everything else that's been proven so far. If your lawyer isn't up to snuff, you deserve death. No exceptions. No mercy.
- People with authority are either A) corrupt, B) incompetent, or C) intelligent, capable, moral, and very demoted (and are probably holding a grudge).
- Your client is innocent, goddamnit. Forget about the bloodstains on their hands, the videotape showing them stabbing old Mrs Catlady to death with an ice pick, the credible witness who heard them plotting to kill the victim. In fact, fuck their confession of guilt! It can all be rationally explained away. The only time you need to worry is if it looks like your client is definitely innocent, and is simply being blatantly framed. Then they're guilty for sure. And probably a complete sociopath.
- No one cares about your badge. No one. This should not in any way curb your enthusiasm in presenting it to everyone you meet, every single time you meet them.
- It's perfectly normal to be charged with murder at least two (or three) times. Don't worry, no one will start wondering if maybe, just maybe, there's a good reason you keep being accused of murder.
- Almost every woman in the game is going to fall in lust with Edgeworth at some point or another and be rather vocal about it, whether in his presence or not. At the very least, they'll talk about how good-looking and clever he is. If he ever notices, you can expect him to be either indifferent or horrified.
- Almost everyone you meet who has heard of you probably has some kind of grudge against you. It doesn't matter that you've never met them before in your life and have no idea who they are. They are convinced that you are their arch-nemesis and they are determined to beat you. Don't bother acting confused, by the way. They see straight through your clueless act, as well as the clueless act about them seeing through your clueless act. And so on and so forth. Don't worry. You're only confused because you know exactly what they're talking about, and don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
a. Everyone else you meet who has heard of you wants you to be their lawyer. Don't bother refusing, by the way. Resistance is futile. - If someone is accompanied by cute, winged, harmless creatures, they're the murderer. No exceptions.
- As long as you haven't fucked up a lot already, "You have one chance, Mr Wright" almost never actually means 'one chance'. And don't worry; no prosecutor will ever protest your second chance. Or your third one. Or your fourth one.
- You will always manage to implicate your own client, apparently irrevocably, on the first day. Always. Don't worry, this is all part of the process of proving them to be completely innocent.
- It doesn't matter how much you rip a witness' testimony apart. They will always get at least one or two more chances to revise their testimony and attempt to squirm their way out of trouble. This is apparently only blatant and bothersome to you. Also, no matter how many times they've lied in the past, their "final" testimony is always taken as gospel truth when being used as evidence against other testimonies. No one ever calls to attention the fact that the "true" testimony could be a lie, too. On the same note, no one ever questions the truthfulness of your statements when you start accusing witnesses based on things you, and only you, heard them say the day before.
- Evidence Law is apparently pretty flexible, since unless said law is specifically invoked, it seems to be okay to steal extremely incriminating items from suspects' rooms -- such as, say, a wiretap -- and have it admitted as evidence, no questions asked.
- If he so chooses, Godot can be the exception to all the rules, even when there are no exceptions. Because he's just that cool.
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