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19 April 2009 @ 08:14 pm
[Ace Attorney] Twenty Things I Have Learned From Phoenix Wright  
TITLE: Twenty Things I Have Learned From Phoenix Wright
FANDOM: Ace Attorney
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 982
DISCLAIMER: All characters are © Capcom. No profit is being made from this work.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had to, okay? I totally had to. Don't look at me like that.
SUMMARY: Um, it's twenty things. That I have learned from Phoenix Wright.

Twenty Things I Have Learned From Phoenix Wright

  1. Present everything to everyone. Always. Even if it's a blood-spattered shoe you stole from the crime scene. Whomever you show it to will either have lots of information to give you regarding the thing, or not recognize it at all, thus sparing you an awkward explanation of how you came to possess a recently-murdered man's shoe.

  2. When all else fails, OBJECT. TO EVERYTHING. If you stop to wonder if objecting might be a good idea, screw wondering and just do it. It's always a good idea.

  3. There is no such thing as a useless item. In fact, if someone specifically hands you something and says it's useless, it will eventually help in convicting a murderer. No exceptions.

  4. Along the same lines, every piece of evidence must be presented at least once. It doesn't matter if it's a broken cup stolen from your neighbour's garbage six weeks before the murder, it is connected to the case somehow. You will also have to prove this, so have fun with that.

  5. The real murderer never flees the country. Hell, they don't even try to hide. They will always testify in court, presumably for the sole purpose of giving you a sporting chance at convicting them.

  6. Even if it takes you five hours and a million resets to finally figure it out, you will always have exactly the evidence you need whenever the judge demands proof. Always. ...Except when you don't, and 'No, I don't have proof' was the correct answer. Surprise!

  7. You are the only one who can't get away with shenanigans in court. Everyone else is free to run the place however they please, up to and including employing physical assault when irritated.

  8. In the future, prosecutors are unanimously okay with the idea of sending a clearly innocent person to the execution chamber because of a single, shaky technicality despite everything else that's been proven so far. If your lawyer isn't up to snuff, you deserve death. No exceptions. No mercy.

  9. People with authority are either A) corrupt, B) incompetent, or C) intelligent, capable, moral, and very demoted (and are probably holding a grudge).

  10. Your client is innocent, goddamnit. Forget about the bloodstains on their hands, the videotape showing them stabbing old Mrs Catlady to death with an ice pick, the credible witness who heard them plotting to kill the victim. In fact, fuck their confession of guilt! It can all be rationally explained away. The only time you need to worry is if it looks like your client is definitely innocent, and is simply being blatantly framed. Then they're guilty for sure. And probably a complete sociopath.

  11. No one cares about your badge. No one. This should not in any way curb your enthusiasm in presenting it to everyone you meet, every single time you meet them.

  12. It's perfectly normal to be charged with murder at least two (or three) times. Don't worry, no one will start wondering if maybe, just maybe, there's a good reason you keep being accused of murder.

  13. Almost every woman in the game is going to fall in lust with Edgeworth at some point or another and be rather vocal about it, whether in his presence or not. At the very least, they'll talk about how good-looking and clever he is. If he ever notices, you can expect him to be either indifferent or horrified.

  14. Almost everyone you meet who has heard of you probably has some kind of grudge against you. It doesn't matter that you've never met them before in your life and have no idea who they are. They are convinced that you are their arch-nemesis and they are determined to beat you. Don't bother acting confused, by the way. They see straight through your clueless act, as well as the clueless act about them seeing through your clueless act. And so on and so forth. Don't worry. You're only confused because you know exactly what they're talking about, and don't try to convince yourself otherwise.

               a. Everyone else you meet who has heard of you wants you to be their lawyer. Don't bother refusing, by the way. Resistance is futile.

  15. If someone is accompanied by cute, winged, harmless creatures, they're the murderer. No exceptions.

  16. As long as you haven't fucked up a lot already, "You have one chance, Mr Wright" almost never actually means 'one chance'. And don't worry; no prosecutor will ever protest your second chance. Or your third one. Or your fourth one.

  17. You will always manage to implicate your own client, apparently irrevocably, on the first day. Always. Don't worry, this is all part of the process of proving them to be completely innocent.

  18. It doesn't matter how much you rip a witness' testimony apart. They will always get at least one or two more chances to revise their testimony and attempt to squirm their way out of trouble. This is apparently only blatant and bothersome to you. Also, no matter how many times they've lied in the past, their "final" testimony is always taken as gospel truth when being used as evidence against other testimonies. No one ever calls to attention the fact that the "true" testimony could be a lie, too. On the same note, no one ever questions the truthfulness of your statements when you start accusing witnesses based on things you, and only you, heard them say the day before.

  19. Evidence Law is apparently pretty flexible, since unless said law is specifically invoked, it seems to be okay to steal extremely incriminating items from suspects' rooms -- such as, say, a wiretap -- and have it admitted as evidence, no questions asked.

  20. If he so chooses, Godot can be the exception to all the rules, even when there are no exceptions. Because he's just that cool.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 03:59 pm (UTC)
XD Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
1cheezymonkey: TAKE THAT!1cheezymonkey on April 20th, 2009 12:35 am (UTC)
I highly approve of that last rule. |Db

And 6--AGH those instances always make me want to cry from frustation. orz
unhealthy obsession with Neal Cassidy aside: OTPmargerydaw_s2 on April 20th, 2009 12:39 am (UTC)
Why, Hello, friend 8D
(no subject) - 1cheezymonkey on April 20th, 2009 12:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hibimaosuki on April 20th, 2009 12:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - margerydaw_s2 on April 20th, 2009 01:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
wispyhollowwispyhollow on April 20th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
Aha, this is great... and all very true! My personal favourite:

11. No one cares about your badge. No one. This should not in any way curb your enthusiasm in presenting it to everyone you meet, every single time you meet them.

Oh Phoenix <3

Oh and ps, props for including only the first three games and leaving out the atrocity that is AJ! *flees from angry fans*
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you! XD And yeah, I love presenting my badge to EVERYONE just to hear them shoot me down about it. And Phoenix gets his kicked puppy face on.

Your icon is a thing of beauty. Seriously, I just kind of sat here and watched Zoro dance for a good minute or so.


OMG I HATE THAT GAME. Seriously. My reaction was pretty much exactly this:

Omg wtf daughter?

OMG WTF HOBO?

OMG WTF DISBARRED???

...

REJECTION!


*flees with you*
(no subject) - wispyhollow on April 22nd, 2009 07:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
I AM IN MAO'S PHOTOBOOK, NO JOKE ♥♥♥: bed writhing!!hibimaosuki on April 20th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
....... AHAHAHA. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING UP THERE.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC)
XD I'm glad! Thank you for commenting. ♥
unhealthy obsession with Neal Cassidy aside: too sexymargerydaw_s2 on April 20th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
LOL at 20.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
It's true! Even Godot's theme music can be an exception to the rules.
Sage of Winds: Brotherhoodsagesoren on April 20th, 2009 12:40 am (UTC)
That was amazing and so true. Adding to Memories!
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
Ah! I'm glad you think it's that good. <3 Thank you.
The Midnight Rider: gs - let me tell you internetsabinelagrande on April 20th, 2009 12:45 am (UTC)
This is all very much trufax.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
Inorite?
agent.: got to be a joker he just do as he pleastemporal on April 20th, 2009 12:46 am (UTC)
Honestly, every time I read one of these I had to say: 'IT'S JUST... SO TRUE.'

If someone is accompanied by cute, winged, harmless creatures, they're the murderer. No exceptions.

I started clapping right here.

Great job. It was hilarious, because every word you wrote is right.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you! <3 I'm glad you liked it.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - zofie123 on May 19th, 2009 05:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
Valya: LOLmc_valya on April 20th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
3. lol Chekhov's Gun

also joining in the chorus of OMG SO TRUE. Good job ♥
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:08 pm (UTC)
XD Actually, for that one, I was thinking of the screwdriver Edgeworth hands you in Case 1-5. But that works too.

Thank you! <3
Ryokokatsura_shinju on April 20th, 2009 01:01 am (UTC)
I approve of the last one.

And especially 15.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:08 pm (UTC)
Butterflies and cute birds know where it's at.

Thank you for commenting! <3
Katu: coffee break [godot]fullmetalkatu on April 20th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
....YES.
RadicalLindsay // PK Rockin' since 198X: Futurama - Zoidberg Waveradicallindsay on April 20th, 2009 08:01 am (UTC)
O HAI THAR!

8D
(no subject) - fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
NOTORIOUS H.O.B.O.: ace attorney ☆ um badge?dewdropinn on April 20th, 2009 01:09 am (UTC)
ICON
No one cares about your badge. No one. This should not in any way curb your enthusiasm in presenting it to everyone you meet, every single time you meet them.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:09 pm (UTC)
Re: ICON
I love that icon. XD
Re: ICON - dewdropinn on April 22nd, 2009 04:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
i dont know OwOidontknowowo on April 20th, 2009 01:14 am (UTC)
I love number 2o. xDD
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:09 pm (UTC)
He really is. :O TRUFAX.

Thank you for commenting. <3
Kate: PW_larry scorekatbell on April 20th, 2009 01:25 am (UTC)
C-can I make some of these into icons? I'll of course credit you. I just...I need them.

Super awesome.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
Ah! Go right ahead! <3 I'm flattered that you think they're good enough to be iconified. XD Inconify away!

And thank you for commenting. <3
Crimsonlifeless09 on April 20th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC)
Haha I love it. That is just awesome.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :3 I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Candycane: Edgey mirrorcannedebonbon on April 20th, 2009 01:51 am (UTC)
XDDDDDDDDDD.

So true. Every. Single. One.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:12 pm (UTC)
Your icon made me quite literally LOL.

Thank you for commenting. <3
Samantha: Birdmanskippyelephant on April 20th, 2009 02:03 am (UTC)
Hahaha, these are words to live by when playing Phoenix Wright. #3 especially, I always try to remember that one.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:14 pm (UTC)
#3 is one of the biggest ones. XD When stumped, look for the most useless piece of evidence you can think of.

Thank you for commenting. <3
Miharu Frenchface: Pearl - Ooohh ♥naermint on April 20th, 2009 02:40 am (UTC)
They're so true XD
I love it ♥
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:14 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you do. Thank you for commenting. <3
Mich. Michelle. whatever.momowoou on April 20th, 2009 02:43 am (UTC)
I dub these the rules of the world Phoenix Wright.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
SO IT WAS SAID, AND SO IT SHALL BE.

Hey, those already are the rules. I just report 'em. ;)

Thank you for your comment. <3
josshouse: OMGjosshouse on April 20th, 2009 03:33 am (UTC)
Pfffhahaha, these are awesome.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
XD Exactly the reaction I was hoping for. Thank you for commenting. <3
Toraneko: Gyakuten Saiban - Klavier objectiondarkyo on April 20th, 2009 05:38 am (UTC)
Oh god me and my bf had a good laugh out of this one.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:18 pm (UTC)
I entertained two people for the price of one! :o Awesome.

Thank you for the comment. <3
sipping cactus brandy from a china spoon: edgeworth: fufufustar_flare on April 20th, 2009 06:02 am (UTC)
Even if it takes you five hours and a million resets to finally figure it out, you will always have exactly the evidence you need whenever the judge demands proof. Always. ...Except when you don't, and 'No, I don't have proof' was the correct answer. Surprise!
Haha. I love this. XD

And #20, of course.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:19 pm (UTC)
That always drove me nuts. "What do you MEAN I don't have the correct evidence? ARE YOU RETARDED? I'M THE GODDAMNED MASTER OF THE TURNABOUT!"

#20 is undeniable. Godot rules all.
(Deleted comment)
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you! ♥

Thank you for commenting. <3
pseudotsuga: hot lawyerpseudo_tsuga on April 20th, 2009 10:14 am (UTC)
One of the reasons I love these games is how full of crack and nonsense they are. ♥
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
I just try to keep the crack alive. ♥ Thanks for the comment~ <3
Ferdinand Lanceferdielance on April 21st, 2009 09:27 am (UTC)
A few more reasons why Phoenix Wright is educational:

21. Every ungloved contact leaves a clear and unambiguous fingerprint.

22. The chance that you're a killer is directly proportional to your degree of prettiness.

23. Conversely, if you're silly-looking, you'll be wacky. This does not preclude being the murderer.

24. You can object to anything in court, on any grounds, except for...

... the Best Evidence Rule, hearsay, client privilege, asking for narrative, leading questions, inflammatory remarks, compound questions, calls for speculation, calling for a conclusion, or arguing the law.

Otherwise, go to town!

25. Every contradiction points to a deeper truth. There are no innocent mistakes.

26. If you quit your job and leave a suicide note, or were comatose for years and lack any prosecutorial training, or are still dealing with that foolishly foolish puberty... just go ahead and prosecute! It's all good.

27. When presented with evidence of your dark secret, you must spill.
27a. Exception: if you're already on Death Row, you must clam up.

28. Mystical powers only work when they wouldn't make things too easy.

29. If the police don't want you there when they're interrogating your client, leave them be. You're not, like, some kind of personal legal support dude.

30. Don't feel bad for murder victims; they're usually terrible people.

31. Nobody will raise an eyebrow if you bring a child or teenager along with you on your murder investigations. You should continue this even after your assistants have been nearly "erased," tasered, left alone with the creepy murderer who ruined their life, kidnapped, trapped, and attacked by a vengeful ghost.

32. If your mischievous daughter wants to continue the above practice, let her. A hyperactive girl who makes things disappear is bound to be super-popular during a police investigation!

33. No matter what you throw at people, you'll never run out of it.

34. Time only moves forward when you accomplish something. See that pencil? Pick it up. It'll cause someone to appear somewhere else.

35. Nobody pleads Guilty of their own accord, ever.

36. Los Angeles is world-famous for its samurai shows, snowy mountains, and ramen stands. It is easy to get around on a bicycle there, so you don't need a driver's license to do field investigations.

36a. Near L.A., there are villages of people who live in an indeterminate state of Japanese/not-Japanese-ness, like Schodinger's Magatama.

36b. Even non-Asian Americans have Japanese facial features, if you look closely enough.

37. The police department has no dress code, and the phrase "cowboy cop" has no unpleasant associations. It's all in good fun!

38. Yes, let's be beastly to the Germans!

39. Luminol is harmless stuff, so feel free to spray it everywhere! It won't damage a thing.

40. No matter how fattening your food of choice is, it won't go to your waist unless it's T-bone steaks or lemons.
...fire_tears on April 22nd, 2009 04:21 pm (UTC)
<3